The Real Holy Bible
Once upon a time, the savior of the unclean came down from Heaven above, and put clothes on the unworthy apes that roamed planet Earth. He put shoes on them and combed their hair. He taught them to read and write, and to hate all that they once were. But alas, they still took shits, ejaculated, salivated, and menstruated. They drank from each others mouths, licked each others genitals, and spread themsleves open for the worlds meat and seed. And so the savior rose back into the sky and forsake the land. The end.
Things didn't work out so well for the 1st savior. So God sent down another savior... unfortunately she decided sex was amazing and chose dick over God, her name was Mary Magdalene. But that's ok, because God sent down a 3rd savior, his name was Jesus Christ.
People often say they love you. But how often do they fuck you? Long long long ago... people actually fucked the people they loved. That is... until.... Jesus Christ. You see... Jesus never fucked anyone that he loved.... And now, everyone uses him as an excuse not to fuck the ones they love (except maybe one of them). We know of them as Christians. FACT: Jesus did not fuck even 1 of his 12 diciples. FACT: Mary had 3 holes, and Jesus never even fucked one of them!
The following dialog between Jesus and two of his disciples was recovered from ancient text (and if it's ancient it must be true):
Why don't you ever fuck me? Don't you love me?
Peter... I would totaly fuck you man, but an invisible man who created the universe said that it's a sin.
I know man... bummer, right?
Seriously... I am getting cock blocked by an invisible man now?
Yes Peter. He created the universe.
Don't worry about it Jesus!!! The invisible man who created the invisible man who created the universe says you can fuck us.
No that's Satan Judas... he's lying to you.
WTF! Maybe the invisible man you're talking to is Satan, who is telling you that the invisible man I am talking to is Satan to fool you into not fucking the ones you love.
Wait... Who the fuck is Satan?
He's an invisible bad guy that tries to convince you to FUCK the ones you LOVE.
That is EXACTLY what I do! Does that make me a bad guy?
No you're just being brainwashed by his temptations.
WTF!?? I am being cock blocked and brainwashed by invisible people? Are... you... fucking... high!
I don't see how that's relevant right now.
Jesus Christ! Forget it! I am going to bed.
Oh come on Peter, cheer up. Hey Mary, bring those holes over here, we need some TLC.
Again?! If I had a gold coin for every time I had to cover for Jesus.... I'd have a job.
To Be Continued...