The Selected Animal

God of Apes


The God of Apes are the explanatory gods. They are the answer of the ancient primates. They are the archaic relics of dead civilizations. The God of Apes is the powerful, the simple, answer to all of primitive mans questions. Why does it rain? God! Who made the stars? God! Where do we come from? God! It was the best they could come up with. They didn't need math, books, or schools. They didn't need to know anything or figure anything out. They could just say "God did it". No understanding required.

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

God of the Gaps

In the beginning, mystery was naturally explained with mystery. Water could mysteriously fall from the sky. Must be a mysterious god. Stars mysteriously floated and traveled across the sky. Must be a mysterious god. The vast mysterious seas, mountains and forests, contained mystical beasts and monsters. Mysterious mental illnesses were created by mystical demons. God works in mysterious ways... God fills in the gaps.

At one time, almost the entire planet that they lived on, was mostly dark, unknown, mysterious regions. Their planet was a mysterious place. A giant circle of fire traveled across the heavens and a lesser light grew bright during the night and moved across the heavens as well. Their was no science, no biology or physics. Their world was mysterious and magical. So when they saw their world, their answer was quite simple and natural, the answer was religion. Mystery was not a thing to study, dissect or figure out. Mystery was not something you could solve mechanically, like a bow and arrow. Mystery was a foggy, dark region populated by gods, demons and other mythical beings and non-mechanical forces working behind the scenes of nature.

God has always dwelled within the confines of human ignorance. Where a gap in knowledge exists, God may rule unquestioned. The more ignorant man is, the larger God is. The god of the gaps hypothesis has survived in the minds of billions for centuries. Even Newton, who used gravity to explain the stars instead of a god or angels pushing them, gave up in the end and fell back on God to explain what his math and physics could not.

Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

Unknown Human

Then came Laplace, who stepped around the typical God answer, and took the math to a next step, beyond Newton. God was removed from their stars in his book. But mankind still wanted God, and so the watch-maker analogy was invoked to bring God back as an engineer of the very physics that replaced him in the Heavens. God was once again put into the stars, behind the scenes, where he can safely stay, far from the reach of Laplace and future observers. The intelligent designer, the watchmaker concept of God, is nothing more than putting God in a distant, unreachable cradle, where hopefully no one can ever hurt him again.

Faith is Just a Fancy Night Light

God is a nice, easy, convenient answer, that cannot be tested, proved or disproved, so that all the little Earth monkeys don't have to admit they don't know what lies beyond the reach of their knowledge. They can just invoke their god, plug in their little religious night light, and protect themselves from the epistemological darkness that surrounds all of mankind.

If science gets in the way, all you have to do is say God created science. That's right. It's as simple as that. God doesn't have to be incompatible with anything. God is only limited by your imagination.

God created science, therefore all science is automatically compatible with God. God actually created the physics engine of the Universe in 4 minutes using FORTRAN. And he came up with gravity in 0.00000001 milliseconds, while inventing apples.

The Hands of God

Unfortunately... in the end... if an all-powerful being really did create your universe, it probably didn't love you. Take a look around, and the best excuse you have is that The Devil made it this way. You can blame it on free-will, but everything works as designed, with or without determinism. Humans don't only fuck and kill because they're allowed to, they do it because they're designed to want to like every other pedatory sexual species on this planet.

I don't see the signature of an all-loving being written anywhere in these cosmos of yours. I don't see it written on Earth either, even subtly, on any of the scum that grows there. This world has been running on death, rape, and violence for millions of years. If there really is a god, he must have glued my eyes open, and taken a shit right in front of me. There isn't an invisible all-loving being at work here, that wants to be your friend or father. And if there ever was, then this place was abandoned long long ago. If there was ever a loving god, this planet was its abortion.

Giggling Primates

When some religious people say, "do you really think you're related to a fish or a monkey ", they laugh because of how it sounds. Human biology is a fart joke to them. You say it and kids laugh. So they bypass critical thinking and go with it.

Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

But lets think about this. You are made of single celled life forms. You're a huge colony of them. You are a huge pile of single celled life forms, water and nutrients. Evolution introduces the thought: our ancestors were single celled life forms, and over millions of years they began to form colonies, including a single animal, such as the sponge (yes, they are not considered plants). So it goes: you are giant pile of single celled life forms came from some other more ancient single celled life form.

Not only are humans just a bunch of single celled life forms bunched together, but they were a single celled life form upon conception. Even if the theory of evolution was false, you still came from a single celled life form.... The fucking zygote man, a single... celled... life form... That single cell is related to other single cells. That is what the theory of evolution says, that one single celled life form is related to another.

How can being related to a single celled lifeform be funnier than actually being it at one point of time? Not only are you related to monkeys, you were even stupider than a monkey at one point in time. Some of you probably even picked your asses and then smelled your fingers when you were younger. But then you grew up, and became smarter, and superior, and stopped picking your noses and shitting your pants. Now you do repsectable grown up things, like suck cocks or cum in other peoples mouths. How could something as grand as yourself possibly be related to an animal?

Even if evolution is wrong, your origin is still that of a single cell and you're still a giant collection of single cells. Gods or apes, your genes still came from your dad's nut sack and your mother's equivalent gonads. You still popped out of a vagina. You are still the combination of a sperm cell and an egg. I don't know where you found that pedestal to stand on, but if just being "related" to a single celled organism bothers you, then you have a lot to worry about.

You could be sitting there, trying to explain RNA, natural selection, genetic drift, protein folding and endogenous retro-viral insertions, and then all of the sudden..... Monkeys! Buwahahaha! That's what these common anti-evolutionist animals throw at you... fart humor. Their humor is just more evidence that butt-picking apes are their cousins.

Story Time Science

People used to always explain things like comets, sunrises, winter, lightening, the origin of man, the origin of different languages and the different races with stories. Everyone used to understand how the world worked by inventing stories behind everything. This probably made a lot of sense when there was nothing else to do than sit around a fire and tell stories.

For the origin of different languages we have the Abrahamic story of a large tower, the Hindu story of a proud tree, the Wa-Sania story of famine, madness and jibber-jabber and the Salishan story of an argument about ducks... That is how people explained the world back then. They just made shit up.

The biblical account of Noah's Ark and the Flood is perhaps the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where, for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and polar bears in Palestine?

Judith Hayes

Today, stories like Snow White, Peter Pan and Godzilla are made for entertainment. But back then, that was hardcore science. That was some serious shit. The seeds from the apple that Snow White ate, poisoned the soil and is responsible for all cases of food poisoning. Volcano's are caused by Godzilla trying to escape from the bowels of the Earth. And Peter Pan was the first pedophile.

When scientists explain something, it's much different. Einstein didn't stand in front of hundreds of scientists and tell them that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light because some mortal slept with some god's wife. That's how religions like Christianity explain things, they're the fucking Disney of physics.

How are stars made kids? Nuclear fusion? No silly, one day Kaypo the thunder god made a ring for the first human female but after she broke his heart, he smashed it into millions of pieces. Oh, and why does it rain? Well you see, this one time my god got angry and stuff because humans were being stupid yet again and blah blah blah.

The Bible is a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology

Mark Twain

Lets cut the kiddy story time bullshit. Those mythological stories suck half the time any ways. The biggest reason why people think they're any good, is because they actually think it's real. If Christ was Humpty Dumpty and his cross was a wall, Christians would still be calling it the greatest story ever told.

It's just story after story after story. Why are there rainbows? Well some stupid people got flooded by an angry god and then he made a rainbow and promised to never to do it again.

Want to know why your friend Hose speaks Spanish? Well a long time ago a bunch of people built a giant city and God thought they were flexing their muscles at him, and so he made them all speak different languages so they got confused and left. And that's why Hose speaks Spanish. Neat huh?

So why do people kill each other, blow shit up and cut me off in traffic? Well one day a fallen angel turned into a snake and tricked a naked women into eating a forbidden piece of fruit and her god got angry. After that he turned into a giraffe and invented AIDs...

The Magic Bullet

Christian have a long history of waging war with science. And they have magic bullets that they like to jabber on about. For them, scientific theories like The Theory of Evolution or The Big Bang theory are like a giant moon-sized Death Star. It's much too big and complicated to really grasp or conveniently move out of their way, but luckily it's got this fantastic little weak spot that you can fly into so you destroy the entire thing. So even little god-loving high school boys and girls can tell you how to bring down the omniscient theories Death Stars of science. more